But you're smart nau

breathes in, and out.

_crystal's.world

Jun 01, 2026

Before I begin my rant, did you miss me?🥹

Hell yeah you did🙂‍↔️

I haven't been able to write recently. Why?

I have no idea.

moving on.

get me to 200 subs🥹

I've always been labelled as smart, gifted, special, whatever the adjective is, and I loved it.

I didn't struggle in class, it didn't really take me much effort anyways. My teachers loved me and I enjoyed learning overall.I have been at the top of my class for as long as I remember, it felt nice.

It was my brand.

I liked to read, or at least I liked to pass.

I liked to see the perfect scores, and win all the prizes.

My parents didn't force me to do anything. They didn't need to. Because of that, they weren't really worried about me. Cause I was the good kid. Compared to my brother, that is. We're gees anyways, but that's beside the point.

It felt good, knowing they didn't need to bother about my grades, but at some points, the expectations became heavy.

I remember when I was in SS2, my classmate won overall best. I was second.

My dad asked what happened, and I said "I guessed they hadn't added our third term results". I stalked the results enough to know that I improved that term and it should've been enough to boost me to 1st place.

My dad just said I should try my best, so that whatever terms they used to judge, I'd still be first.

He wasn't pushy, wasn't mad, nor did he sound disappointed. He just cared.

And he never spoke about it again.

I loved being first, I was obsessed. Obsessed enough to read in the midnight while the house was quiet. To cram my notes word for word so I could get the highest marks. It just felt nice.

It felt like my identity.

I was the classmate who'd compare my script with others, and be like, “Sir, you marked it for her and missed it for me.”

Sound familiar?

Na me.

I cried when I did below my expectations in exams. Not necessarily failing.

The first time I felt genuinely pressured for an exam, it was in SS3.

The terminal class.

The one that'll show if you were just a local champion, or you actually knew what you were doing. I was very scared.

I wanted to go to my brother's school. Because for some reason, I felt like I'd have a better chance at passing those exams. I can't really explain

I had very little belief in my abilities.

I remember telling my dad that "everyone talks like it's easy" or words to that effect.

He didn't really get it. So I didn't push.

I had people close to me who failed some subjects in waec, and that only meant one thing. Retaking it. I didn't want that for myself.

I did waec, gce, neco and jamb that year. I was very close to losing my mind.

My gce story?

A different post entirely, I hope.

But I met amazing people and yes, I passed.

I remember the Saturday results came out. My classmates and I were disorganized. And I flashed back to my physics exam and thought, man was I cooked. AlhamduliLlah though.

Jamb?

I passed according to some standards, but not mine. I thought I'd get like 350 or something. I cried bruhh.

waec?

I still read cause I thought I'd get all As or something.

Neco?

I'd lost interest fr. Because I already had my gce results and I'd done waec too. (Although, it was eventually the easiest exam, among all three)

My parents wanted me to do it though.

I'm studying medicine now ( I didn't get in the first year though), and a lot of times people are quick to say "scholar".

People don't really see the doubts.

The constant fear of failure.

The tears, the weight of expectations pushing down on my shoulders.

But as much as I don't feel as smart as I was in secondary school, good grades are a bit personal to me. It feels like something that shows my worth, that shows I'm capable. Because coming to uni, from the first week, I knew it wasn't business as usual. I saw people reading like the world was coming to an end and I did not think I could catch up.

Everyone was a champion in their own corner of the world and it didn't really feel like I belonged.

A lot of people don't realize the pressure that comes with wanting to be the best just because.

Maybe because you feel like you have nothing else, or just because you've created a standard for yourself.

Do I really like reading? Not 100%.

But if I don't, I won't be happy with Cs.

Every “I’m supposed to be reading” goes a bit beyond just survival.

It's the way I've always been. I want to be at the top.

For my sake.

I low-key miss the version of myself who didn't have to read as much.

The one who'd study for an exam the day before and still get an A.

But I mean, such is life.

So anticipate my 5.0 this semester.